What I Wish I Had Done Differently, Part 2
When the “Check Engine” light comes in to your car, you take it to the shop and the amazing mechanics have a cable they can hook up to the computer of the car that spits out all that is wrong with the car that needs addressed. I have always wished our kids came with some kind of the same system! Something is wrong so we take them to the doctor where they hook our kiddos up to a computer and out prints all of the issues that need addressed. Simple! But that is not life. Our kids don’t even come with an owners manual. Just a lot of guess and check, which leaves a lot of room for trial and error before we get it right. If we ever do get it right. And just about the time we think we have it figured out, they change. Our system doesn’t work anymore. Something changed and so we start the whole trial and error process over again.
I was never good at figuring out what was wrong. And if I ever did, that solution did not stick around wrong. I feel like my lack of ability to figure out the issues has set up some of the problems my boys currently face. I could choose to live in shame and guilt for not getting it right when they were younger, but doing that will solve nothing in the now. Living in guilt and shame brings forth no good fruit for today’s problems. So I have to let that go (it’s not easy at all!) and focus on what I can do today. And the most important thing I can do today is preserve my relationship with each of my boys and through that build trust and open communication to work through any issues they may be facing.
In an effort to help you either 1) know you are not alone and we are in this together or 2) help you not make the same mistakes I made depending where you are in your journey of raising kids, please enjoy the following mistakes I have made!
I was a pushover when it comes to rules. And to an extent, I very much still am. However, now I’m a pushover because my kids are older and they need to learn through their mistakes and not just be punished. But when they were younger, I was too much of a bleeding heart. They needed me to be a bit firmer in the discipline area. If I said no, I didn’t always mean it. And they learn this QUICKLY. They very quickly learned how to manipulate me. And I have good kids. But they are….kids. And this is what they do.
I talk too much and don’t listen. I still do. I’m a certified life coach now, so you think I’d be better at this. I am literally trained to listen well and ask good questions. But when my kids come to me, I’m all about doling out the advice. I don’t let them talk their way through situations and find their answers. And worse, I don’t just let them vent and get it out. A few weeks ago, my oldest called me out on this. And I listened and heard him. And I am doing my best to listen more and talk less. To ask engaging questions. To trust that they can figure out life without me.
I try to rescue them instead of letting them figure out problems on their own. And, guys, this is the hardest. If I’m always swooping in to rescue them, I’m taking away their ability to learn about life and about themselves while sending the message that I don’t think they are capable enough to solve the problem or get through the heartache on their own. I can’t do “it” for them anymore. I can only be there and listen (see #2) and love them. Make our home a safe place for them to struggle and wrestle with the hurts life throws at them. Letting them know I am always on their side and here for them.
Y’all, this last one isn’t easy when you have a child who is struggling with anxiety, a brain infection, ADHD and has a history of cutting. There’s a fine line I need to find, and I think that line keeps moving. Remember when I said I wasn’t good at the diagnostic stuff when they were little? I don’t have that luxury anymore. Those mood swings, those difficult times are triggering for me. I want to swoop in and protect, but he also needs to learn to deal with life on his own in a healthy way. I can support and I can love and I can guide him, but he has to do the work. And he has to want to do the work. But most of all, I have to recognize the part I play and heal myself so that I don’t continue to put my problems on him. Now, hear me out. I’m not saying that I need to hide all of my issues from him, because I don’t think that’s healthy either. Instead, we talk about how different things he says or does, or even looks he gives can be triggering to me, even three years out. And he helps me through those with positive experiences. He has a special text tone, so when he texts after a difficult situation, it immediately sends me into a panic state. So we talk about it, how texting me when things are good helps me to heal. And how cool is it that my son can play a part in my healing?
