What I Wish I Had Done Differently, Part 1 (ADHD Edition)
Because we all know there will be a part 2. So I’m going to start with the glaring mistakes right in front of me today. I’m a coach. And I’m not perfect. No one is, but hey, I hope you can learn from my mistakes and be empowered where I wasn’t.
This is all going to focus around my son’s ADHD diagnosis. He was diagnosed in January 2020. Now, I’m going to preface this with my excuses first: 1) Um, hello. January 2020. I thought I had time. I didn’t know a global pandemic was going to be landing in our laps a couple of months later in March. 2) Then, just a few months into the pandemic, Sean started cutting. We had no idea a Lyme infection was sickening his brain; we were just scrambling to figure out why he felt the need to cut. ADHD was the least of our worries at this point.
Excuses out of the way, hindsight is 20/20. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently. So let’s begin.
I never ASKED my son’s pediatrician anything about his ADHD diagnosis. Nor did I even research it afterwards. The doctor just diagnosed him and monitored to see if it was the right dosage. At this point, I think I know the doctor that diagnosed him. I think. And it wasn’t a very cumbersome process, as I remembered it being when we had him tested in 1st grade. (Yes, you read that right.) What was different now than 10 years ago? No idea. Maybe the trauma that followed after just erased all of that from my memory. But I KNOW that I never asked questions. What does this mean for him? Are there other symptoms of ADHD that I should be aware of? He was diagnosed three years ago and I just found out that there are CDC guidelines for placing a diagnosis of ADHD on someone. It’s a 4 step process: start medication, behavior therapy, parent training in behavior management, and behavioral interventions in the classroom. We only ever started the medication. I didn’t know exactly that there could be classroom intervention. Fortunately he’s managed well on the smallest dose. Y’all. I’ve done a lot of research this past month. A lot. And I’m still taking it all in. What I have recently come to learn about ADHD is that it’s so much more than just focus and hyperactivity. For example, kids who have ADHD have poor time management skills. They view time as “Now” or “Not now.” Can we just pause and think about that for a minute? ADHD kids are expert procrastinators. Why? Because if a project is due Friday and it’s Monday, they won’t work on it. Because it’s NOT DUE NOW. And the procrastination can give them a little dopamine hit (oh yeah, ADHD is because your body is producing low amounts of dopamine. So any dopamine hit is motivating to them. Think on THAT too.)
Kids with ADHD also have trouble regulating their emotions. It’s a symptom of the diagnosis. I struggle to let my son suffer through the tough emotions and situations on his own. What message is this sending him? Am I showing him that he can’t figure out his problems on his own? Should I coach him? Yes, but if he asks. Should be be a coregulator for his stress? Yes, because he needs to learn how to manage it and his emotions. But I can’t jump in and solve his problems. I can’t shield him from the crap life will throw at him. But my reaction to this is a trauma response for me, no doubt about it. For several months of my life only 3 short years ago, I was in survival mode literally trying to keep him alive. Healing from a trauma like that is a process that can’t be rushed. So when my son is dealing with big and heavy emotions, my stress response immediately spikes. The problem is my boy is a teenage boy with crazy hormones, being treated for a brain infection, and an Enneagram 4 who needs big emotions (good or bad). And now as I just learned, the ADHD is just more fuel on the fire for his emotions to take us all on a rollercoaster ride. Y’all. It’s a lot. When the rollercoaster is climbing to new heights, we are all there to enjoy the ride. But as soon as it starts to start that downward rush, I want to duck and cover and let him figure it out. But that fear deep inside of me rushes to the surface spouting “what ifs.” And there are just enough situations where the “what ifs” have won to stop me from progressing in my healing. But what message is this sending him if I’m always interfering, even with good intentions? It tells him that I don’t think he’s capable enough to figure out life on his own. Illness or not, personality or not, he needs to learn how to ride this emotional rollercoaster in a healthy way. And he needs to know he’s completely capable to do so. But “what if” the cart flies off the roller coaster track again? Then we address it when it happens and move on. But I can’t live my life expecting that cart to fly off, and that’s the difference.
I wish I had asked questions when he was first diagnosed. I wish I had researched ADHD on my own to even know what questions to ask. I am still learning a lot every day, but I wanted to share some quick bullet points of things that have really stood out to me, in addition to what I mentioned above. And I’ll be completely honest and transparent here. I used to think ADHD was a behavioral issue. I didn’t fully understand it. I wasn’t sure about it. I dreaded medicating it. I still don’t think medication should be the first line of defense (even though I linked to the CDC’s process above), but I do think some people truly need medication. That’s a decision you and your doctor need to make. But it is so much more than a behavioral problem.
ADHD diagnoses are on the rise.
It’s genetic. (And I’ve done so much research, I’m wondering if I don’t have it myself!)
Dopamine and serotonin are produced in your gut. Healing your gut can help your body produce more dopamine to alleviate the symptoms of ADHD.
Eliminating some foods can help (gluten, dairy, soy, artificial dyes and sweeteners)
In order to be motivated to do something, give yourself a dopamine hit first. This could be moving your body, creating a playlist, etc.
They thrive on positive reinforcement. It’s hard to grow up in a world that doesn’t understand you and these kids are filled with shame. Shame because they can’t ________ and others can effortlessly. Find their strengths and encourage them. ADHD is their superpower. They just have to learn how to wield it.
They thrive on structure, but will hate structure.
Their brains never stop. They think more about a task than a neurotypical brain does, and that is exhausting. ADHD burnout is a very real thing.
Kids and teens with ADHD will “get there.” They are usually developmentally 3 years behind their peers. But they will catch up one day.
They are more prone to addicting behaviors. Always seeking a dopamine hit.
Here are a few resources that I have found very helpful. There are many more, but these are the ones I check on regularly.
ADDitude has a podcast, free weekly webinars (that become the podcasts) and the slides and a transcript are available online.
I follow Dr. Amen on Instagram and have learned so much about brain health, much more than just ADHD. He brings his traditional medical background into a functional field. He’ll agree medication shouldn’t be off the table, but look first at lifestyle changes to support brain health.
Follow Connor DeWolfe on Instagram and you’ll laugh while you learn! He shares “brain hacks” and ADHD symptoms in a funny and educational way. Also, it’s where I learned that those who suffer from dyslexia actually learn, visualize and think in 3D. It’s why they mix up their p’s and b’s. Just flip it all around.
