Healing Through Trauma

I wish this wasn’t something I felt I could share about. I wish this was something you weren’t drawn to read. I wish I could say it is easy. I wish a lot of things. But what I do know is that surviving and healing through trauma has made me who I am today. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

Disclaimer: I am in NO WAY trained in trauma response. This is simply from my experience. Everyone’s situation is different, but these are a few things that have helped me along the way.

My trauma was both a few “big T” Traumas and a lot of “little t” traumas in the duration of my son’s illness. It’s “little t” traumatic to learn that your child has started cutting to alleviate the “buzzing” inside of him. It’s “Big T” Traumatic when you are searching the house at 11:15pm at night because you can’t find him anywhere, expecting to find him dead on a floor around the next corner. (He wasn’t - he was talking on the phone to a friend on the front porch.) It’s “little t” traumatic to know that he is having psychotic episodes where his brain just “checks out.” He’s just there, knows his name and date, but can’t do much else. Just very zoned out. It’s “Big T” Traumatic when the psychotic episode has progressed and enveloped him into a fantasy world and is fearful someone is after him. Seven months of “Big T” Trauma and “little t” traumas will do a number on a person! Even when you are doing your best to take care of yourself. You know the saying, put on your oxygen mask before your kids. Even with this oxygen mask on, it was hard to breathe at times.

Here’s what helped me through the healing process. Maybe some of these will work for you. Maybe you have additions to what I have listed here. And maybe this post just lets you know you are not alone.

Get help from a trauma informed certified therapist or counselor.

This is first and foremost the best thing to do. Find a therapist who is trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). My son first started cutting on June 19, 2020. By the end of July I had found a counselor that I loved. She was with me through the duration of my healing, almost two years. One of the first things we did in our sessions was EMDR on the memory of searching the house for a dead son. It’s because of that session that I can talk about it without crying. She was also a great listener and support. Someone to talk to who wasn’t directly in what was happening with our family. She was a kind third party person who cared about me and who could give insight on our situation, who could provide guidance, and correct me when I needed it. I couldn’t imagine walking through that time without her support.

You might be wondering how this is different than a friend? Maybe you have such a friend, and that is fantastic. But friends can be too close to the situation. Or their life experiences alter the advice they may give you. A counselor is like a trusted friend with the benefit of training to guide you through your trauma and healing.

Take care of yourself and make it a priority.

My counselor also encouraged me during our sessions to make sure I was taking care of myself. For me that included taking regular baths to relax and detox; getting outside everyday for fresh air, vitamin D, get my blood moving, and a moment to myself; working on jigsaw puzzles; watching familiar shows and movies. I’ve heard it said a few different times that people who battle anxiety find comfort in watching the same shows over and over again. There is no surprise of something new. No new emotional rollercoaster to ride. You know what is coming. You know what to expect and there is comfort in that. The same can be true of trauma survivors. Comfort in the familiar.

What brings you joy? We shouldn’t have to wait until we are traumatized to know what we enjoy doing. Figure that out now if you are unsure and start doing those things today!

Learn how to heal your Vagus nerve.

This was brand spanking new for me! I had never even heard of the vagus nerve before my counseling. My counselor had taken a masterclass on healing the vagus nerve from Jessica Maguire and she encouraged me to do the same. I took the class. It’s fascinating. I encourage you to check out her website. For so long, people have thought that you cannot be healed from trauma, but science is showing us that the group of nerves that make up the vagus nerve are responsible for managing how our bodies react in stressful situations. When we are faced with a stressful event, we apply what is called our vagus brake. It’s what slows our heart rate down and brings us back to a homeostatic state. Neutral. Calm. Otherwise we are left in Fight/Flight or Faint/Freeze modes, neither of which is good for us long term. I fluctuated between the two. At times, I would have high anxiety and be on edge all the time, was prone to panic attacks, and was hypervigilant about anything that could go wrong. I couldn’t relax no matter what I did. At other times, I shutdown, would be “doom scrolling” on my phone, “checking out” because I just couldn’t handle anymore. By working to heal my vagus nerve, I was able to bring myself back to homeostasis. You can do a quick gooogle search for “healing your vagus nerve” to learn different techniques. But if you have the time and resources, I definitely recommend looking into taking Jessica Maguire’s classes. Just know…there is hope! You won’t be stuck here forever.

Listen to your body. Learn about your body’s trauma responses and what it needs.

I’m an Enneagram 1 doer. I’m a strong wing 9, so I can definitely make time for me to rest, but there is always that nagging feeling that I should be doing something, contributing to something. It took my counselor to show me this: If I broke my leg, I wouldn’t think twice about doing things I shouldn’t. I know I have a break. I could see it on an x-ray. I have a cast to slow me down. People will not let me run a marathon on a broken leg. Now, let’s say I had a broken leg, a broken rib and a broken arm. I would be even more limited in what I could do. I would have x-ray proof of my multiple breaks. I would have even more casts to carry around. Even more people telling me I’m crazy for running a marathon. Surviving trauma is like having many broken bones, but there’s no x-ray proof of the injuries, although science is always advancing in terms of brain imaging. There are no casts to carry around. People are not going to see the injuries I’ve sustained; fewer people would limit me from running that marathon. Only those truly close to me who knew what I had endured could stop me, but do they even fully understand the state of my body? It’s hard. It’s hard to take care of yourself at times, but if you don’t, who will?

I had to learn to listen to my body in ways I had never had to before. I was an avid exerciser. I hate working out, but I know the benefits of moving my body each day. I could no longer do strenuous exercises. Exercise is stress on the body, and my body was already stressed. Cortisol is our stress hormone and exercising increases the cortisol in your body…the LAST thing I needed! I continued to move my body in ways that wouldn’t raise my cortisol: walking and stretching.

I developed tinnitus in November of 2020 due to all of the stress. (Side note: NEVER google tinnitus, especially if you have it. Just don’t. Just know that if you have tinnitus brought on my stress, it WILL go away some day! It will take time, but it will go away! And stay away from Google.) The tinnitus lead me to a severe depression in December. I was having panic attacks. I tried an anti-anxiety med, but it only made me tired (exactly what my doctor said would happen). I was prescribed a depression med, but my counselor told me some clients had trouble getting off of it. I decided I didn’t want to do that, but had to recognize where I was and do the work to manage my depression. Fortunately, that worked and by early January I was coming out of it. I know that is not everyone’s story. If you need the medicine, please take it!

I was already prone to lower back pain, and the chronic stress brought that back in a harsh way. I had to go to PT for the back pain. I still do my exercises each day.

I also stopped sleeping during the summer of 2021. Like, maybe only a few hours a night. You need to understand that I have always been “a full 8 hours” girl! Having been on 24/7 watch for my son when he was cutting and then on edge after that just because of anxiety…let’s just say it was not a full 8 hours every night, and definitely not restful! I later found out that chronic stress depletes magnesium in your body. And without enough magnesium, guess what suffers? SLEEP! And so many other things. It’s worth a deep dive into magnesium. I found this post helpful in my journey. I am sleeping much better now, but one late night can leave me reeling for a week.

Know that it takes time, and expect your body to celebrate the “Traumaversary”.

You can heal from trauma. You WILL heal from trauma. You just need to give it time. Don’t rush and don’t push. Learn to love your body for where it’s at and what it’s been through. Listen to what she is telling you she needs. You are a survivor. Two years after The Illness I started to notice my tinnitus didn’t come back with every little stressful event. She still visits from time to time, but much less than she used to. I have had months with no back pain and when it does come back, I have tools to heal it. I still take magnesium regularly. I have more energy, but a stressful event can send me into a small season of rest.

There is such a thing as a Traumaversary. This year was the first year it was very noticeable because I am more healed now. I noticed in November that I settled into a “comfortable melancholy” for no reason. I wasn’t sad, but I also wasn’t the enthusiastically silly person I had been just a week before. I was content to sit back. In fact, those close to me didn’t even really notice a difference unless I told them. In December, the melancholy changed to heightened anxiety. Panic attacks for no reason. It’s now January 17 and I’m coming back to homeostasis. My mind and soul have healed from the trauma, but know that your body just needs a bit of extra time and love. Each year it will get better.

I smile more. I love more because I’ve survived more.