Unconditional love
I’m ashamed to say this, but I’m pretty certain that my son never felt loved by me until he was 16. At least not unconditionally. Don’t get me wrong; we loved him, for sure! But what I came to realize was that we never loved him the way he felt loved. It breaks my heart to think that for 16 years of my sweet boy’s life he never felt loved or that he had to earn our love.
Before he turned 16, he was angry most of the time. Argued with us constantly about everything. If I touched him, he’d pull away. I can’t remember if he ever even told me “I love you.” I’m ashamed to admit it, but there were times we said, “I love you, but I don’t like you right now.” Spending time with us was not a pleasant experience for him. We did have good times together. There were times we were happy. His teachers loved him. But if we disciplined him for anything, he’d lose it. He felt we didn’t parent fair; that his brother got away with everything. (Not true, but due to his perceptions, it was very true to him.) I was distraught and confused. How can our son be filled with some much anger?
He got sick before I could get any answers. His illness started with the cutting. We watched him 24/7 just to keep him safe until we could figure out more of what was going on. You can imagine how much he loved this (spoiler alert: he hated it). No 16 year old is going to love mom and dad hanging around All. The. Time. That only added fuel to the fire already burning inside of him. Eventually his brain began to shut down and his psychotic episodes and hallucinations grew. And along with that, his anger grew too.
I had to learn to love my child in a whole new way. He pushed me away with his words, with his hands, with the anger in his eyes. He hated the doctor’s we made him see. He hated the office visits me made him do. He hated me for making him go. He told me things I wish I could unhear. For the darkest three months of my life, he did everything he could to push me away, just trying to find that point at which he “knew” I’d walk away.
That time never came.
Eventually, he started to come around. I don’t know exactly when the pendulum started swinging in the other direction. I can’t pinpoint that exact time when his mood toward me started to change. Over time, he stopped being angry. He didn’t pull away when I touched his shoulder, but actually started reaching for my hand for comfort. We hugged. And he started telling me he loved me. His brain was healing and that played a huge role, no doubt. But the anger had been there long before.
See, anger is a symptom of something much deeper. Kids and adults aren’t just angry. There’s a reason behind it. He felt unloved. When the illness set in, he was scared. Probably felt alone. But through this journey, he learned there is absolutely, positively nothing he could ever say or do that would make me walk away from him. It took walking alongside him in our own hell for him to know it. My love is unconditional.
Here’s a quick list of things I had to learn the hard way so you don’t have to:
Take the time to learn how your child feels loved. And then do it.
When they act out, stay calm. Your anger will only add to their feeling unloved. Don’t try to fix the situation. Be curious without being judgmental.
Let them talk. They should do about 80% of the talking. And while they are talking, listen hard. Give them your full attention.
Your child’s feelings are real, whether you agree with them or not. They are hurt. Apologize for whatever they say hurt them. And be sincere. Make a note to make that change.
Show them respect if they are teenagers. Often times the tensions rise when we should be “cutting the cord” and are not.
This is not an exhaustive list by any means. And not all of these will work in your situation. There is no handbook. And what works today may not work tomorrow. But when our children feel loved, they are free to be themselves.
