Relationship is Everything
I always thought in my parenting that as long as I had clear rules and consequences, that my boys would dutifully obey us and never question the consequence that was given to them. The thing is….our rules weren’t exactly clear and our consequences were actually punishments. And we were not good or consistent at enforcing them. I’m nice, right? I’m sure this will come as a shock to no one reading this: our house was a hot mess. The boys were confused and became frustrated when we gave them punishments that they thought were too harsh. Their reaction is only clear when looking back. In the moment the frustration and confusion were actually resentment and anger. I can’t argue with that.
Let’s take a step back and first clarify the difference between consequence and punishment. A consequence is the natural occurrence to an action made by a person. A consequence is given with some meaning behind the why, while a punishment is just given. Wreck the car? The consequence is that you are now out of a car and have a very large bill to pay. A punishment would be grounding them. Taking away their phone could be a consequence is the accident occurred because they were texting. Not studying for a test? Risk getting a bad grade and affecting your GPA. Eating a 1 lb peanut butter cup in one day? Consequence is feeling like crap. At this point you might be wondering how discipline fits into this picture. And that is a fantastic question. Discipline is defined by Merriam-Webster as “control gained by enforcing obedience or order; orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior.” Discipline is more long-term approach than punishment or consequences. Control here reminds me of the scenes I see in movies of army bootcamp. The officers use mind tricks and extreme physical activity on the cadets so that they control them. Discipline can also be a parent teaching a child every night before bed to put away the toys so the house stays tidy. This orderly conduct creates a pattern of behavior. Both are discipline and both are drastically different.
Ok, so what does all of this have to do with relationship? As our kids become teens, we can no longer just tell them what to do. “Wash the dishes.” “Do your homework.” “Time for bed.” If they don’t listen, what do you do? Is there a consequence? A punishment. If you try to use those phrases on teens, they may stare at you blankly. Some teens will of course wash the dishes immediately. Some will roll their eyes before washing the dishes or doing their homework. And others will flat out refuse for the simple reason that you told them to. And try to tell a teen to go to bed? Good luck! Mine are tucking me in at night now. If only these were the requests we made of our teens! The issues become much more serious. “Don’t vape.” “Don’t drink.” “I checked Life360 tonight. What were you doing on the other side of the county?” We have to shift our parenting style from being able to tell our kids what to do with some success to one of coaching them as they make their own decisions in life. We can no longer control them. And we can only coach them if we have relationship with them. Protecting our relationship allows us to maintain influence over them and shows our kids that we are for them and not against them.
When parenting teens, always protect the relationship at all costs. Take a step back for a second. What is your goal when your teen does something wrong? Is it simply to punish them? Or do you want to teach them why that particular behavior or action was bad? For me, and I hope you, learning from their mistakes is my goal. That can’t be achieved by punishment. If that were the case, our prisons wouldn’t be as full as they are. When our teens do something wrong, in reality they are simply making a mistake. So let’s learn from that together. I want my boys to know they can come to us with anything. Anything at all. They will still have to suffer the consequences from whatever mistake they made, but we are there for them. And we learn through that process.
Do I ever want to blow up? Yes. Have I ever been shocked? Absolutely. But I keep my cool and listen. Then we discuss what a better option might have been, what the consequences are of their choices and how they are going to move through that. We are all human, so if you happen to “lose it” on them, it’s ok. Just make sure you apologize to them.
It’s never too late to prioritize your relationship. It might take a little more work up front if that has not been your history. If that’s the case, talk to your teen. Tell them you don’t like how things are and that you want to change. (Emphasize that YOU want to change and you do not want to change them! This is huge for a teen.) Apologize and lay out the plan so they know. And ask them to hold you accountable. They’ll really love that last part. And you need to take them seriously when they call you out on it.
Here’s a quick reference for you as you make this change:
If this has not been the pattern established with your teen, have a conversation and let them know you want to change and what to expect. And listen to them.
When they come to you, don’t react. Keep calm. You might be exploding inside, but you need to show calm and compassion.
Be curious without being judgmental. “What happened next?” “How did that make you feel?” Try to avoid questions that start with “why” because that can sound accusatory. Instead of saying “Why did you do that?” try “What do you think caused you to make that decision?” Do not say anything like “I can’t believe you did that!" Keep your tone positive and open.
Ask them for feedback of what they think should be different next time. Don’t lecture. Our kids are much smarter than we realize and often harder on themselves. Make sure you are actually listening to them. It’s ok to have conversation around this and offer your suggestions as well. Just don’t completely ignore theirs and make sure they understand why you feel the way you do.
Discuss whatever consequence might come from their choices. If the consequence is out of your control (ie school or law enforcement), let them know that you are walking with them through this. It’s ok for you to enforce consequences at home. A speeding ticket could result in them paying a fine, but also in you taking away their right to drive for a week or so depending on the circumstances. But make sure you have a discussion as to WHY and not blindly “because you said so.”
Thank them for coming to you. Tell you that you love them and that you are always here for them. Always end on a positive note.
It’s NEVER too late to turn things around! But depending on where you are, it can be difficult. Be gentle with yourself. And if you need some support and guidance, let me know! You can learn from my many mistakes!
