Great Pain Brings Great Love
“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.” - Steve Goodier
The darkest days of my life started in 2021 and had nothing to do with the pandemic. My son would come to be diagnosed with two brain infections on December 11, 2021. The months leading up to that time were extremely dark. Not knowing what was wrong with him. Trying to get him the help he needed, only to have those doors close. I was exhausted caring for him. He was on 24/7 watch and not in school for 2.5 months starting in October. He could not focus, concentrate, remember things he once cherished. He couldn’t make a simple decision about what to eat. He was bored, frustrated and angry and cutting to relieve the intense emotions. The days were long, the nights were longer. We had to make decisions that no parent wants to face. Three years ago as I write this, I was in my own personal hell. I felt like I had run a marathon, but the finish line was constantly pushed out of sight. I was drained; I had nothing left to give, but I couldn’t stop.
In November I spent days just crying because the exhaustion was too much. I was desperate for a day without worry. There was no end in sight. If we could not find help, what would become of my son? I developed tinnitus from the chronic stress, even though I was taking care of myself through this process and was in counseling. I spent December extremely depressed. I lost my faith. Where was God in all of this? How could God let me deteriorate while fighting for my son? The treatment initially made him worse for two weeks. I just could not catch a break.
I wasn’t sure that season would ever end, but it did. Slowly but surely. I knew that it would mark me for life because the scars run deep. I’m happy to say that today he is happy and healthy, I have learned how to heal my nervous system and my faith grew. I look back at that now and realize if I could handle that, I can literally handle anything.
But there is one thing that rings true for anyone who has had to endure an extremely dark time in your life. Your capacity for empathy runs very deep. When you look at others, you can see the pain in their eyes that you would have missed before. Your heart overflows with love for others. Great pain brings great love. And because of that, I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.
