When Is the Friendship Over?

We are relational beings. We need community to thrive. Recent reports of a Harvard longitudinal study show that the happiest people are those who have close relationships with friends and family. But, we all know that relationships are just plain hard! They take work. We second guess ourselves. We can be insecure. We misread signals. All of that is normal and part of the process of getting to know someone else…and can even make our relationship stronger when we clearly communicate and invite others into a conversation.

But how do you know when a friendship is over. We may never know why, but sometimes a friend is only in our life for a season. And it’s painful when that season ends.

Here are a few thoughts, not at all comprehensive.

The relationship is abusive or toxic.

Let’s just get this out of the way. If your friend is talking about you behind your back, or worse, putting you down straight to your face, that is not a friend. I repeat: she is already not a friend. No one deserves to be treated that way. A friend should always make you feel better about yourself, never worse. There should be no physical aggression unless it’s warranted through sports or play. If she consistently lies to or about you, again, already not a friend.

You are going in a different direction than your friend.

“You are the average of your five closest friends.” It’s true whether you want to believe it or not. Are there exceptions, sure! There are exceptions to everything. But if you find your friends are making choices that don’t align with what you want for your future, then it’s time to cut those ties. This could range from your friends doing drugs to gossiping to grades…it can literally be any number of things. But if you find yourself often not wanting to do what your friends are doing, that’s a sign to pay attention to.

You are not a priority in your friend’s life.

You might find yourself being the one to always reach out, to always make plans. Friendship is a two way street and if the other person isn’t initiating, it might be time to move on.

You give more than you take.

We talked about this on Instagram this week. If you find your relationship is one sided, where you are the one who is always giving and never taking from the relationship, you need to take a step back and see why. Maybe they are going through a busy season. Or maybe they are dealing with a lot of family issues or school issues. But if it’s a consistent drain for no reason, that is not the type of person you want to surround yourself with.

You want different things from the friendship.

Maybe you are more invested than her. Or vice-versa. If your commitment level to the friendship is not the same, the friendship can become strained. There is nothing wrong, especially if you are the one more invested, in taking a step back and changing the label from “friend” to “acquaintance.”

So what do you do when it’s time to move on?

Well, it depends.

Sometimes the relationship will just dissolve on its own.

Sometimes you will need to talk about it. If you need closure or if you need to set boundaries. Be respectful while being honest and firm.