Co-Dependency vs. Co-Regulation
This is a tough post to write for me, but I think it gets to the heart of some struggles I’ve faced. Let me also just say here that I am not a health care professional. These thoughts are simply me doing some research trying to make sense of our struggles. There is a mental health crisis among our teens and raising a teen struggling with their mental health is a challenge. I have often been judged - to my face and I’m sure behind my back - because of the choices I’ve made in my parenting. And it’s not really surprising considering mental health is an “invisible” disease. We, as their parents, know our teen’s struggles where outsiders do not.
I fully agree that we need to let our teens learn from their mistakes so that they can turn into healthy functioning adults. We cannot come swooping in to save them at every little turn. But knowing when the right time is to do that when your teen struggles with their mental health is very tricky.
I think - and know that there is no basis for this other than my experience and research - that the issue is the difference between codependency and coregulation.
Codependency is broadly defined by Mirriam-Webster as “dependence on the needs of or on control by another.” We raise codependent teens when we get them out of bed in the morning so they are not late to school; when we consistently cook for them and clean up after them. We raise codependent teens when we make excuses for their behavior. Codependent teens are not held accountable for a few, some or many situations in their lives, under their control.
Coregulation is a psychological term not defined in Mirriam-Webster, but is defined by the US Department of Human and Health Services as “the interactive process by which caring adults (1) provide warm supportive relationships, (2) promote self-regulation through coaching, modeling, and feedback, and (3) structure supportive environments.” We coregulate our toddlers when they come to us upset after a fall and we snuggle them and kiss their booboo. We coregulate our teens when they come to us upset about a broken friendship and we validate their feelings. We coregulate our teens when they are having a panic attack and we help them steady their breathing. We coregulate our teens when they are upset about a bad grade on an assignment and we tell them they are still enough and still good and we still love them. We coregulate our teens when they see we’ve had a rough day and watch how we treat ourselves, hopefully with a lot of tenderness and mercy.
Do you see the difference between the two? No one wants to raise a teen who is completely dependent on us for the very basics. And at our core, we all want our teens to know we are a safe place to come to because we can help them navigate their emotions and demonstrate healthy coping skills.
But when raising a teen who struggles with their mental health, these lines can get a little blurry at times. If they are in the throws of a depressive state, a simple act of getting out of bed on their own to go to school might feel overwhelming. If they are in a state of high anxiety, getting a snack or making breakfast may seem too daunting and add to stress to their current state. As a parent, we are now walking a very fine line - we want them to learn to take care of themselves when they are no longer living under our roof, but they need a bit of TLC at the current time.
I’ll tell you where I land in these situations. I err on the side of loving my child. If they are so overwhelmed that doing the dishes is going to send them spiraling, I’ll do the dishes. It’s not worth is. Our teens have so much going on that I don’t want what is happening inside of our house to add one more brick to their back. I want our house to be a safe place where they know they can always come and get help. And as a parent, it takes being able to read your kid to be able to tell the difference between a downward spiral and sheer laziness. But again, I always err on the side of love. And maybe a conversation at a later time to see if I was right! ;)
